I often find myself torn. Torn between fitting in and standing out. Wanting to create the perfect aesthetic but craving the real honest and true at the same time. Embracing the messy and releasing the perfection. Fearful of showing my true self while looking in admiration as I witness someone else in their most authentic self, fully expressed and vulnerable. I find the question lingering in my mind, should I spend my time following the rules, the guidelines, checking all the boxes or do I say fuck it and do everything exactly the way I want to. Stuck between overthinking or allowing the flow of my own truth.
Maybe this is part of the journey, this in-between. The unknown. The questions. The insecurity. No one likes this phase, full of discomfort, questions, and fear. Growth is often painful. Feeling like you are being thrown around in the waves unsure which direction will provide you with the breath you are so desperate to take. And when you finally get that breath and then another, you quickly take for granted what you were once so desperate for. You find a new baseline looking for new pain points, and you search, yet again, for discomfort because we are all addicted to the inevitable growth.
Everyone loves a perfectly packaged story of success. We love to hear how someone climbed their way from the bottom and created a life that today, many look at in awe and full of inspiration. But we missed the most important parts. We missed the ugly, the nights full of tears, the doubt they had to fight both within themselves as well as from those surrounding them. When we find ourselves in this between we feel alone. We question if we are on the right path, and we hide, afraid of letting anyone see us in our mess, full of imperfection, in what looks and feels like a failure at this moment.
But when it comes time to tell your story, you too will package it with a red bow. Looking back at this very moment and all the other difficult moments with a smile, with pride. It is now that you are able to understand it was all important, it was all necessary. Everything has led you to this beautiful and most likely, still pretty messy moment.
If you are in your mess, know you are not alone, you are far from lost, and your heart does hold all the answers. You are so brave for having the courage to listen and follow that small voice inside of yourself, no matter how fucked up life feels right now. One day all the "wrong turns" will make sense, all the struggle will be a distant memory and you will be so thankful you took the journey. You will find your most authentic self along the way, you will learn to accept your flaws, and you will learn to love yourself no matter what. There is hope, even on the hardest days you always find your way to the surface to relish in your next breath. Be kind to yourself and focus on allowing the fullness of this imperfect moment. Most of all remind yourself of everything the future has in store for you. The fight you keep in your heart, to stay and become true to yourself, will one day it will be the thing you are most proud of.
